For years I have sat, staring at my computer screen, viewing upcoming books from amazing new authors and all the while feeling bitter. I kept wondering when my turn was going to come. It didn’t seem fair that I worked so hard at writing, submitting, and writing some more with no fruits for my labor. Then it hit me. Maybe I wasn’t meant to share my thoughts with anyone. Maybe I was destined to have a dream never fulfilled.
That was such a scary thought. I had my heart set on being a published author. What would it mean not to have it happen? Depression set in like a disease. I looked at my writing and felt contempt. The truth was I was angry with myself. I felt as if I hadn’t tried hard enough. I would argue with myself, pointing fingers in the mirror. Talk about going insane.
I realized then that I was using my writing to fill an empty hole in my chest. Something was missing and it wasn’t just that I wasn’t an author. I was writing only for me. Of course most authors do, but I what I mean is I wanted this only for myself. I wasn’t using my gift for what He intended me to use it for.
For years, I had focused on my writing and left God out. If it wasn’t for Him, would I want to write? Would I have words filling up my head and my heart and overflowing on paper? No, I wouldn’t be able to do this on my own. I needed Him.
Does this mean that I’ll become the author I thought I was going to be? Who knows? I might only write in this blog for years and nobody but me may ever read it, but at least now I will write with more purpose. Now, I will use my words and stories to glorify Him or at least I will try my best.
I understand that my struggle and battle is far from over. Sometimes, I hope not much, but I will say or do something that is so human. I will fail, I will fall, and I’ll stumble all the way to the end of this life. I’ll do good things and I’ll do bad things, but all the while I know that He will watch over me. As I was saying, I know I’ll mess up, but I am willing to face my fears of failure. I am willing to be brave and take a chance. I will always have stories in my mind and I will always write them down.